apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Randomize
