Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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