"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
