Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
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