Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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