Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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