I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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