Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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