I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
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