Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Randomize
