You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
