I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
