Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
