The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
porn star boner night. come get it.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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