The maid of honor just puked.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
