Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
PANTIES FOUND
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