the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
How naked do you want me to be?
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
