ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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