she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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