If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
one two three fourrrrnication!
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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