I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
