Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
