i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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