the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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