We're like a lot better than the average bears
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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