so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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