she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
