Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
