allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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