party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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