im six kinds of drunk right now
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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