he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
