i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
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