I accidentally burped into my bong.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
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