You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
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