She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Damn victory sex feels great
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Randomize
