drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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