it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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