And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
