I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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