Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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