The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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