How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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