My friends, they love my intelligence
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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