I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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