i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
