I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
