dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
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