I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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