dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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